Published On: Tue, Mar 8th, 2016

iPhone 7 Features That Will Make Your Old Phone Smash Its Own Screen

Well, it was announced that the iPhone 7 will be making its way to your pockets — you know, the place where your money used to be? — this year. So just like an ex, it’s time to pretend your iPhone 6 doesn’t exist or at the very least was accidentally run over by a car.

But why replace your old phone? What are the new features of the iPhone 7? Here are just a few.

1. Updates you constantly on all the cool features the iPhone 8 will have.

2. Includes a new app called “FaceTim,” which let’s you know whenever CEO Tim Cook is speaking about Apple products, eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom. Often simultaneously.

3. Activates an alarm when you’ve been speaking to a real human being for too long.

4. Includes functionless weight, making it twice as heavy as the 6 and psychologically comforting you into justifying its cost. You’re getting more, and your own hand tells you so.

5. Comes with a photo of the child who made it. It’s the default background image.

6. Notifies you when someone has made the decision to not be friends with you in real life.

7. Gives you a horrible rash on your wrist if there’s no Apple Watch there.

8. CCs and conveniently on every email, as well as automatically tags @CIA and @FBI in all your photos.

9. Updates the “Maps” app with a moral compass.

10. Improves the ”Find iPhone” app by including add-on features like “Find iSoul” and “Find iSense Of Purpose In Empty Meaningless Consumer Driven World.”


OK, so it does a lot of stuff, but more importantly, what will it look like?

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